What does it mean to be a “Man” in our society?

So many stories to choose from, so hard to decide which to write about….A Kansas City professional football player who kills his girlfriend and then himself? No. A small town in Ohio that supported the football team even after two of their players were accused of sexually assaulting and urinating on a girl’s face? Where would I even start with something like that? How about the latest sports controversy – the Rutger’s basketball coach is fired after video tape surfaces of him kicking student athletes, throwing balls at their heads, and using gay slurs to “motivate” them? Sure. Some men I have dialogued about this incident are not clear why the coach would be fired about this. Abusive motivation like this is typical in high stakes athletics. It is not unusual to have a coach who rages and throws fits and attempts to energize his players with his emphasis. However, unusual as it may seem to the rest of the world, in the sports world where competition is fierce and to make it to the top, you have to give it your very best; this is normal. However, as I reviewed the video clips of Coach Mike Rice, I didn’t focus on his behavior. I have seen and heard abusive behavior; I am familiar with what it looks like. Instead, I focused on the expressions and body language of the players that were being targeted. If you have an opportunity, I urge you to go back and take a second look at the video, this time focusing on the student athletes. Some look annoyed, many looked defeated, and none look motivated. Some even begin to slow down or sag a little from the torment. This incident puts me in mind of the work of Tony Porter and Ted Bunch at A Call to Men. This innovative organization focuses on men and boys as being part of the solution to ending violence against women and has long talked of sports cultures and manhood and their enmeshed connections. In Tony Porter’s TEDWomen Talk in 2011, he states that he asked a young boy, a football player, how he would feel if his coach told him he was playing like a girl. Porter expected him to say I would feel sad, or mad, or I wouldn’t like it. Instead, the boy says, “I would be devastated.” If calling a boy athlete a “girl” would devastate him -- then what message are we sending to men and boys about the value of women and girls? If we are trying to motivate men and boys into higher athleticism by comparing them to women and gay men – as the coach at Rutgers was doing – are we intrinsically saying that women and gay men are lesser? It is time to examine the culture of manhood, and we can’t do that without examining the culture of athleticism, sports and competition as elements of what our society values in manhood. Are there other options than telling a man every day of his athletic career such choice phrases as “take your skirt off,” “stop being such a nancy,” “grow a pair?” Is the only way we motivate men and boys to perform at high levels in athleticism is through violent words and – in the Rutgers’s coach’s case – actions? Is anger the foundation of athletic performance? And if it is, what are we teaching our boys and men who are athletes, about controlling themselves and their emotions?