Remember. Celebrate. Connect.

October is a busy time of year around The Women’s Center. In addition to being the month of orange and black celebrating Halloween, it is also a month filled with a lot of purple for us -- because October is the month that we honor and recognize the impact that domestic violence has on individual lives and the communities we live in. And purple is the color we use to honor that impact. Why purple? Lisa Bianco was a woman from the Midwest, who had left her abusive relationship in the 1980’s and had eventually worked her way up to being a director of the battered women’s program in her community. Lisa was under the impression that her abuser was in jail -- this was before services like Vine Link were available -- and after his release on a temporary furlough, he crossed states lines, found her and killed her in her home. Her favorite color was purple, and as a tribute to her, her friends and family wore this color to honor her memory. The national movement also adopted this color as the one we use to symbolize the three important themes of Domestic Violence Awareness Month -- mourning and remember those who have died because of domestic violence, celebrating those who have survived it, and connecting professionals, survivors and communities that work to end violence. The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence has a project called “Remember My Name,” that memorializes people who have been killed as a result of DV. Some centers set a place at an empty table to symbolize the impact, some people place flags on their agency lawns to signify the numbers of domestic violence murders. In New Jersey, we have a “Silent Witness” program. Silent Witnesses are wooden silhouettes of women that can be placed in any space. On the front of the silhouettes are cards detailing information about the New Jersey victim and her death. Sadly, every year the list of individuals killed by an intimate partner grows. Celebrating survivors in another aspect of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. At The Women’s Center, we show The Clothesline Project in the community, often at local colleges, and show movies and have events that focused on victims that not only survive but thrive. We also have experiential activities like “Walk in Her Shoes,” that help people to understand the impact of domestic violence on the lives of the individual, their families, and the community. Often during training we talk about acts of violence as a ripple effect -- never is the violence impactful only to the victim. The impact expands out to include those who love the victim, those who care for or about the children in that family, and even to the taxpayers who pay for more police, emergency and medical responses when violence occurs in a community. Everyone loses. Connecting people who want to change the acceptance of the cycle of violence is the third focus of domestic violence awareness month. In addition to the 50-odd staff that are employed by The Women’s Center, we have multiple volunteers in the community working as advocates and ambassadors. These volunteers are often the individuals who connect us first with victims -- tell people in their lives and workplaces about The Women’s Center and the work we do. Even after almost 40 years in existence, there are still people who have never heard of us and the work we do. October -- Domestic Violence Awareness Month -- is about honoring the individuals who do the work as well. The next time you see someone wearing a purple ribbon in October or dressed completely in purple or wearing a purple scarf, be sure to let them know you recognize and honor Domestic Violence Awareness Month as well. Remember. Celebrate. Connect.

Is Janay Palmer Acting Like a Victim? Sure is.

The phones at The Women's Center have been ringing off the hook for the last two days.  They started ringing after TMZ released the video of what happened inside the elevator at the now-closed Revel Casino on that now infamous night in February -- Baltimore Ravens player Ray Rice throwing a punch at his now-wife, then-girlfriend Janay Palmer that knocked her into the elevator railing and out cold.

One of the questions that has been asked frequently: "Is Janay Palmer really a victim?"  Of course, few reporters ask it that directly or impolitely.  Typically, it is framed as a question of trying to understand Palmer's behaviors throughout the event -- did she strike him first (domestic violence can happen to men, too)?  Does her level of intoxication matter in domestic violence incidents?  What does her silence during the two following press conferences say about her?  Why has she recently defended Ray Rice on her Tumblr account?

The one that is particularly prescient is when anyone asks --"Why is the public and the NFL having a intense reaction now that they have seen the video of the knockout in the elevator?"  Indeed.  Why is it that once society actually sees the violence that occurs to Palmer, society has an entirely different perspective on the case.  Society and the viewing public were aware of the fact that Rice knocked her out -- he admitted as much.  People who had previously seen the video of Rice dragging her off the elevator may have told themselves that she was drunk -- and now they know differently.  Once they see that Palmer is in fact blameless -- well, there's no other explanation than that Rice is a person who makes bad choices and deserves all the punishment and exclusion he receives.

And what of Palmer standing by her man?  There have been many questions about why or how she would do that.  Anyone who has experienced domestic violence in their lives knows that this is quite common.  While Palmer may be afraid of the law and reporting a crime, let alone how the public may judge her, she is more afraid of what she would lose with the ending of that relationship.  Domestic violence is a cyclical violence -- not unlike riding a roller coaster.  It has its ups and downs, its good times and bad.  There is the tension building phase, where things start to get ugly, but are not necessarily out of hand.  Then there is the explosion -- a fight, yelling, broken things, thrown things, physical violence maybe -- and then comes the honeymoon phase.  This is the most dangerous.  This is the time when the batterer says things like, "I'm so sorry, this will never happen again," or "It wasn't really that big of a deal," or "I will do whatever you want -- counseling, become sober, whatever."  In the violence against women field, we often call this the hearts and flowers phase.  The person that she initially feel in love with is back.  While this doesn't happen for every unhealthy relationship (some never get to experience the honeymoon phase, it's all just tension and explosion) it happens often enough that we call it The Cycle of Violence.

The honeymoon phase is the most dangerous phase because it gives victims hope.  They see that the person they care about is "back" and can change their behavior.  They are cared for in return and apologies are made.  This is the phase that keeps people from identifying the relationship as being as unhealthy as is it.  Victims typically can't say that it is terrible, all of the time.  There are times when it is different, when the relationship is working, and that gives a false sense of hope that it can be that way always.

Victims have lots of time and energy invested in their relationships, particularly if there are children involved.  Every victim wants to believe that it will be different this time, that this will be the time he changes.  Many victims focuses on the control that this phase of the cycle provides to her -- even if it momentary and fleeting.  But eventually, the tension builds and the explosion comes closer and closer.  Suffice to say that Palmer and Rice are currently in a honeymoon phase -- it is the two of them against the world, a world that judges Rice and finds him wanting for his knockout punch.  Palmer is not a victim -- she is a survivor.  Every day she survives living in an unhealthy relationship where power and control dictate almost everything.

The one question I would ask the reporters if I could would be this -- for how long will this last?  How long will the good times go on for Palmer and Rice, particularly now that so much has been lost.  In a few days or weeks the national attention will turn away from Janay Palmer and Ray Rice, and then what? Will Palmer actually be less safe once the NFL and the Baltimore Ravens have forgotten about their unhealthy relationship, have not realized that he is not in fact a bad man but merely a flawed one that can change if he is held accountable?  At least when Rice was involved in those systems they helped to hold him accountable, the world kept their eyes on him and that pressure may have made him think twice before he re-offended..  The only thing holding Rice accountable at this point is a court (in another state from where he lives) and the same court that considered Pre-Trial Intervention a worthy solution for a third degree aggravated assault.  And once his mandatory anger management counseling is completed, his Pre-Trial Intervention obligations will be mostly completed.  And our eyes will turn away to something else.

What then?